If you’ve been here for a while, you’ve watched me struggle through a lot of highs and lows in my life.  I carried an idea of who I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do as a woman and a wife.  And through a series of pretty horrible events, I lost my chance to be what I thought I was supposed to be.  That carried over to how I interacted with the BDSM community and the role I tried to fill there.  As with before, if you’re not interested in this topic, feel free to skip.  We’ll see you next time.  Today’s topic will touch on some NSFW (not safe for work – sexual content ahead).

When I entered the community at 18, it was with a wonderful group of leather lesbians who taught me the pleasure that can be found in leather and pain and surrender.  It was caught up in my exploration and realization of my attraction to women until those two things became nearly as one in my mind.  I was young, horny, and surrounded by beautiful women who loved to dote on me.  So maybe sometimes I fought against the bondage and against the demand for surrender, that’s just how some subs are.  Right?

And then I met my wonderful, vanilla (non-kinky) husband and I set it all aside.  For nearly 10 years, I pushed those desires down and was satisfied with the life we built together.  And then my wonderful best friend got me involved in an RP community on SL – Gor – that reminded me of those desires and the wonderful memories of a previous time in my life.  I spent a while trying to convince my darling husband into the lifestyle and into a dominant role over me.  Which is hilarious if you actually know us.  With my husband’s blessing, I began exploring those kind of relationships with others.  And I found a wonderful woman who I adored and I submitted to her.  I pushed myself for nearly 6 months to fit that mold and for her, for a little while, I could.  But it couldn’t last.  No matter how well she held the leash or how much I adored her, I couldn’t continue to kneel and I was very afraid I was going to dishonor the bond of submission between us.  Around the same time, she began to feel the call to return to her own place on her knees, so we parted amicably.  I still loved her and she was the first for me to try my hand at Dominance.  The dynamic didn’t work, but it did light a fire within me.

I tried and failed several times to be what I’d seen others be, tried and failed to enact Dominance in the way I’d seen others enact it.  Because I was also feeling my life spiral out of my control, I couldn’t control myself, let alone offer the kind of control and leadership that a submissive needed from me.  We were in a roleplay setting and it added a sense that everything was a game, including the relationships we were building.  I was a mess and, as a result, the relationships I allowed myself to get into were messes, too.  And then I met an amazing woman. 

We started as friends who spent probably too much time online, talking on Skype, playing and enjoying ourselves.  I don’t even remember now what point we shifted to something different.  Her submission to me was a part of the game, but she reminded me of the joy I’d originally found in the lifestyle and made me want to explore my new role in it.  There were things that didn’t work and eventually made it fall apart, but I take a large part of that on my own shoulders.  She is, still, one of my favorite people in the world and I still have every intention of meeting her face to face one day.

Spending time together helped me figure out what parts of the lifestyle didn’t work for me.  And which parts really work for me.  I remember how the crop felt against my thigh and now know that I very much want to lay those marks on a willing partner.  I want to push her to that place where endorphins flood her brain and her skin burns for me.  I remember how the restraints can restrain and how they can support and how they can comfort.  And I want to give that to someone else who lays her trust in me.  I know how it feels to be forced to orgasm again and again – or not allowed to orgasm at all – and I want to put someone else through that glorious torment.  I want to give someone the experiences I was given before.  So far that has only happened in the theater of the mind and in giving commands for them to enact upon their own flesh.  The parts of kink that I enjoyed once upon a time I find myself attracted to now, because of the time I spent with that wonderful woman.  If you read this, thank you.  I still love you dearly and I hope you only joy always.

There was another woman who was in my life.  I’m thankful for the time I had with her because it taught me more about myself and about what I enjoy and what I want.  It also taught me what things I cannot abide – in a partner and in a submissive.  I won’t say everything about our year together was bad and I won’t pretend that everything that went wrong was her fault.  She helped me explore some of my darker fantasies with a gusto and joy unmatched.  And I take a lot of the failure on my own shoulders.  I participated in toxic behaviors and byplay between us and allowed guilt over my own unmanaged mental illness to be too permissive of problems that came up along the way.

When that relationship finally ended, I took a step back and really examined myself.  What about me was worthy of submission?  And what about me was not?  I took a big step that I’d been putting off and started seeing a therapist.  I didn’t attend therapy nearly as long as I’d have liked for a variety of financial reasons, but I was lucky.  My therapist understood that and made sure to equip me with as many tools and skills to manage and overcome the things I was struggling with.  I still think I’m a work in progress, but I’ve come a long way from where I was and I intend to keep moving forward.

I also took the time to learn from other voices in the community – both Dominant and submissive.  I examined what parts of Gor had gotten me back into the lifestyle, even though the overall themes of Gor didn’t work for me.  I looked at what things brought me the most joy in my past relationships and which dynamics that I saw were most attractive to me.  And I settled more comfortably into myself and my sexuality and what I wanted out of my life.  I talked to my husband – talked circles with him – until I was finally comfortable in saying exactly what I was looking for from a potential submissive.  I learned how to communicate as honestly with myself as I always try with those around me, particularly those I love.

And then I met another wonderful woman.  A woman that I respect and adore and who accepts the failings I still have and works with me so we can both grow into better versions of ourselves.  She leans into her submission to me when my mental illness kicks my ass.  And because she believes in me, I keep pushing myself to be even better.  Will it last forever?  I can’t say.  And that’s okay.  Because what we have brings us both joy now.  And I love watching her grow.