Polyamory and me (and him…and her)

Let’s talk about another topic that might be hard for some.  Talking about sexuality and relationship styles may not be something you’re interested in getting into, and that’s perfectly fine.  As promised last time, we do have another mead post coming up soon!

So, what is polyamory?  The translation is literally “multi-love” and what it means is ethical non-monogamy.  That is, having multiple partners in an open and honest way.  I believe that all relationships should be built firmly on the foundation of communication and that partners should work together to build something strong and lasting.  And that can be done with multiple partners, for the right people in the right situations.  I could go into the many ways that it can – and does – work, but I won’t.  I’ll leave those stories to the ones living them.

What does that have to do with me and my husband?  Before we met, I had already discovered that I was bisexual – that I am attracted those those of my gender and those not of my gender.  This was a time before the term pansexual came along and, if I’m honest, bisexual still fits me better.  My attraction to people is affected by their gender – or lack thereof.  You see, for men, I have a very specific type.  Sure there are plenty that are aesthetically pleasing, but what I’m attracted to is a very limited window.  And, if you weren’t sure, my husband is a perfect example of the traits I find attractive.  For non-binary, agender, or any other gender or non-gender outside of men or women I have much fewer preferences.  But for women? I love women.  It is what it is.  And before my husband and I got together, I had already been involved with a couple so knew that I was attracted to the idea of multiple partners long before I’d ever heard the terms polyamory or ethical non-monogamy.

And these were things we had discussed early in our relationship.  Things that I believed for a while I had to set aside in order to build a “proper” relationship and eventual marriage with my husband.  We’d joke about getting a girlfriend some day, but it was really put on the back burner.  And then the last decade of our lives happened.  Neither one of us was in a place to enter a new relationship and had really drawn inward to deal with all the things life had to throw at us.  We needed the time to focus on ourselves – to keep ourselves whole as individuals and to keep our relationship strong, as it was the rock that kept us moving through everything we’ve faced over the last decade.

But, as with most things in life, the spiral spins us in until it starts to spin us back out again.  We both began to heal and began to look beyond survival.  And I met a great woman who was my friend first, but who also reminded me of a part of myself that I had set aside.  So the conversation began again between my husband and I, using the new language we were learning, to talk about the possibility of opening our lives to others.  At this time, he’s content with me as his only partner, but he has been nothing but supportive of my relationships outside of our marriage.  As he puts it, “Love multiples joy, so [he’s] not losing anything.” 

In the last few years I’ve dated some amazing women – all long distance, with most of our time spent on the platform SecondLife.  And I’ve had some not so great relationships there.  As much blame should be placed on my shoulders as on theirs, so I’ll leave it at that.  At the moment, I have a pretty amazing girlfriend – my submissive, which I’ll be talking about more later on – and though her romantic relationship is only with me, she and my husband exchange messages back and forth through me and he has contacted her on my behalf when I’ve been too sick to do so myself.  She understands and appreciates the fact that he is, for now, my primary relationship as the partner I live with – and have every intention of continuing to live with.  At this time, she’s not looking for more out of our relationship and I am content with where we currently are.

One day, might our arrangement change?  It could.  If we found someone who fit into our lives and wanted to travel with us, we might give that a try.  What would that relationship look like, individually and with the whole family?  That’s the best part of polyamory, we have no idea until we decide to try.  But at it’s heart it will be built on communication, mutual respect, and affection if not love. 

Please, let me know what you think!

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