The Struggle

This year on Father’s Day, I didn’t contact my father.  My mother texted me to tell me to do so, and I ignored it.  Sir Joshimus and I were getting ready to go on vacation, so I simply shut off my cell phone.  Because the idea of calling my father and wishing him well made my stomach turn.  And the fact that my mother, whom I hadn’t talked to since MARCH texted me for that made it worse.

I’ve talked about my relationship with my father on this blog so many times.  I’ve talked about the way he tore me down as a child.  And the fact that he now tries to “joke” using the same kind of insults he threw at me as a child.  And I’ve talked about the fact that my mother hasn’t stood up for me now that she knows what he did to me – or at least knows something, since she and I have never actually talked about what Daddy admitted to her.  But she has forgiven him and thinks that I should as well, even though his behavior has continued to be reprehensible.  Common sense would ask at this point – why am I still putting myself through this by having a relationship with him at all?

The truth is, I only maintain a relationship with my father because my mother has made it clear that it is the only way I can have a relationship with her.  And I’m just not strong enough to lose my Momma yet.  And that rips my heart.  Because now my father has Facebook and I know if I did not accept his friend request then I will have to burn my bridges with my mother and possibly my brother.  But every time he likes something that I post.  Every time that he comments on something of mine.  Every time he puts on Facebook that he loves me, using his old nickname for me, it makes me physically ill.  I’m no good at pretending a big happy family.  It’s why I removed my aunt from my Facebook and have no intention of adding her back.  Because she was horrible to me growing up and then was horrible to me on Facebook.

So I struggle with what decision I should make.  What decision is the right one?  I doubt I’ll ever see my parents again once Josh and I move except when we come back to Alabama for things with my nephew.  And I shouldn’t have to feel that way.  And it makes me angry that I do.  And it hurts my heart to even consider taking that last step.  Because I love my Momma.  And I love my little brother and his family.  And I honestly believe that they will choose my father over me.  Because I’m the odd one out.  I always have been.  I’ve never fit in with my own family and I have to wonder if any of them will actually miss me if they never see or talk to me again.  And that breaks my heart, because I know I will miss them.  I already do.

I’m sorry that my first post in a long time is such a negative one, my darling readers, but it is an honest one.  It this struggle that I’ve been dealing with is one of a multitude of reasons that I haven’t been more active.  But not to worry, there will be a new religion/spirituality post on Saturday.  And despite everything else going on around me, my Gods have always given me such great comfort that it gives me pleasure to talk about Them.  So Gods be with you through your week.  If your heart breaks, may there be someone there to pick up the pieces with you, as Sir Joshimus does for me.  If you are stranded in a bad situation or feeling lost and unloved, may someone find you and lead you home.

 

BB Lea Sig Purp

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