Let me just be blunt. Most of March and April sucked. The starter went out on Buttercup – again – and I spent two week stressing out about it. The first week was spent with our mechanic on vacation; the second waiting for the part to get ordered. Then I spent two weeks unable to sleep in one of the worst insomnia cycles I’ve had in nearly a year. I spent three different days getting no sleep at all. There were other stresses, of course, as there always are in life, and one thing piled on top of another on top of another. There have been other issues around our house that I’m not yet ready to talk about – I may never be – but they are there, adding to the stress. It finally broke earlier this week…or would that be last week. Yes, last week, because it’s Monday. As you can see from the time of this posting, I’m still having trouble sleeping. I’ve entered the phase of the wild and vivid dreams, some of them shattering, some of them terrifying.
Some of them, though, have reminded me that grief is not something that happens once and is over with. Grief isn’t something you actually ever get over with. My grandfather passed away November 4, 2009 – more than five years ago now. I dreamed the other night that he was alive and we were together. But I remembered that it was amazing that he was alive and I hugged him, wouldn’t stop hugging him. Of course, being my Pappaw, he was grumbly and grumpy about it, even as he continually hugged me back. It felt so good to hug him again, it was so real, and when I awoke, it was with fresh grief that is still heavy now. This is the gift and the curse of my dreams. There are lessons there – some of which carry great significance. But those with significance won’t be processed for weeks, until this passes and I can really rest.
There is good news, though. Sir Joshimus Rex turned 31 on Thursday (meaning my little brother turns 24 this Thursday!) and Spiral Charmed Life turns FIVE tomorrow! It’s hard to believe I’ve been writing here for five years, and the adventure that Sir Joshimus and I have been on. I’ll go into it all tomorrow, get all nostalgic and look back. But birthdays are awesome, so three in a week isn’t bad. Also, Sir Joshimus had his review and should be getting a (slight) raise starting one of the next two paychecks. This is awesome, since we’re dead set on leaving Alabama next summer. Every little bit helps!
So, I’m still not sleeping my best, but things are looking too bright for me to be too upset about it. I do plan on picking up the writing challenge again, but I’m not making promises on when, because I know how hard it is to get writing when I’m not sleeping. Also, might be having visits from my mom – or possibly both parents? – in the coming weeks, my Aunt Sharon – whom I haven’t seen in far too long – and Sir Austin,
my royal knight Sir Joshimus’s bff whom we haven’t seen since his wedding in October. All of these anticipated visits are exciting and I’m really looking forward to them. And, of course, Beltain is next weekend, and I’m always excited about one of my two high holy days. So things have been rough, but they are already getting better.