To my friends and readers that celebrate this holiday, I wish you a blessed Mabon/autumn equinox!
This isn’t one of my holidays, never really has been, except as an excuse to get together with good friends for fellowship. And for fellowship, I would celebrate again, though it will never be one of my holidays. But then, I have two holidays that are vital to my existence. Another that I am being called to and will likely celebrate for the first time this February. But the solstices and equinoxes have never been it for me. Even when I was an “eclectic Pagan”. Even when most of the people I celebrated and shared fellowship with were Wiccans. It has just never been one that I have been drawn to, except in the practice of magic. But I haven’t practiced anything but the most basic kitchen witchcraft in YEARS.
I miss the craft, but again, I think it has more to do with the people I shared it with. I still believe, especially in the more mundane practices of the craft. And maybe it was because I never found a teacher and always felt as if my knowledge (or in this case, lack there of) hampered my effectiveness.
And maybe it’s because the way I practiced before was never the way that was meant for me. I’ve been on my path for sixteen years now (wow, had to do the math, because I originally under sold that), but in many ways, I feel like I’m still a baby Pagan. Oh, there are plenty of times that I feel comfortable sharing what I know and what I’ve learned, but there is still so much that I don’t know, so much for me to learn, that I wonder if there will ever come a time that I’m not second guessing my own knowledge level. And maybe this is just what it’s like to reach this point of maturity within my path. I can only hope it’s a positive sign of growth that I acknowledge I don’t know everything and actually understand that I don’t know everything. I think the more I learn the better I am able to understand just how vast my lack of understanding is. Is this what growing up feels like?
You see, I grew up being told that I wasn’t as smart as I thought I was and that I knew nothing about life. So I grew up knowing that I didn’t know anything and really believing it. I am smarter than I was always made to think I was as a child, but I’m to an interesting point between my healing process (I was not a know-it-all teenager that needed to be told I didn’t know everything) and maturing (so THIS is how much I really don’t know yet). There are many things I’m still looking forward to learning – either from finding a teacher or from trial and error (I’m very good at trial and error). But there is plenty that I do know, even if it no longer applies to my life and, more importantly, to the path I walk with my Gods.