I’m running a little late tonight, but it was a pretty good day (okay, started off a little rocky, but it turned out pretty awesome), so I hope you’ll forgive me for this last-minute posting. I constantly struggle with what I should share with you – what I have to offer – on this day. So instead of stepping forward and offering what I have, I hide it away as unworthy. But lately in my life my big sister, Brighid, has sat just over my shoulder, reminding me that the words that spin through my mind – whether I take the time and initiative to write them out – are inspired by Her hand. I have been doing better about following Her gentle demands, but that now means there are pieces and parts of poetry half-written laying all over my mind, heart, house, and even phone waiting to be the thread that is next plucked.
And that admission led me to a realization – and yet another gentle shove to put words to form. I am of five Gods. I attempted to put what I am to all five in a single word for that last sentence, but it’s impossible. I am the child of many Gods. Yes, but no. I am the child of two of my Gods. Maybe three, depending on what position in my life my mysterious God will one day occupy. I am a sister of a Goddess, an honor that fills me to overflowing almost the way that the title “child” did from Danu and an’Dagda. And then there is my Lord, Manannan, whom I have no idea how to quantify our relation to one another. It is most assuredly not that of a parent/child! But follower, which was my next attempt, isn’t really correct, either. I don’t follow Them. I honor Them, I have a relationship with Them, and They hold pieces of my heart. So, for now, I am of many Gods will have to suit. And I think it quite does.
But I haven’ always been. Much of the last two years (yes, you read that right, TWO YEARS – I had to go back and check) has been spent scampering to get to these new Gods that were demanding to take Their rightful places in my life. I have been clinging, very much child-like, to Danu and an’Dagda every step of the way. It has been, in part, fear of being disloyal to the two who were able to reach down to that small, despondent child and pull her to her feet. I don’t know why, but at the time I couldn’t fathom how I could give of myself to these others without giving less to those two beloved Gods. But as I have come to know Them – at least as much as I have – the easier it has become to understand. And the more I’ve been able to let go of my Patrons to step onto new ground with the others.
And now I find that I am spending more time under the tutelage of Brighid and Manannan. Danu and an’Dagda are always there, and there are times that They command the forefront of my attentions, and I am pleased to give it to Them. But in most of my day-to-day interactions, it is Brighid and Manannan, each bringing Their lessons, and in Brighid’s case, Her inspiration. I probably spend the most of my time and energy with and for Her, but that is because my calling as a storyteller and poet was my first and is still my strongest call. In recent years, I’ve allowed my poetry, in particular, fall by the wayside, particularly in a failing attempt to focus on my story building to justify my husband allowing me to be a housewife. So now I am attempting to return to my roots of poetry. Of course, it isn’t as easy as it once was – either because of how out of shape my poetic muscle is, or because inspiration keeps finding me in the most awkward places – like on the back of Buttercup.
It was today when I shared a quiet moment with Manannan on the back of Buttercup that I realized how much more time I am spending with Him and Brighid. I am enamored of my Lord, and He works with me in large ways as well as small to break me so that They can remake me. He is breaking me from old habits and from old mindsets that are dangerous or at least no longer useful for me. It comes in big ways when He makes me face the truths of my life rather than the rose-colored version that I have clung to in self-defense. He does it in small ways by reminding me of the power I already possess and by pushing me to speak out in situations of abuse. Though, I must admit, it will likely always be an’Dagda that I run to for strength when I am feeling my weakest. My Good God, my warrior druid, my father. He fortifies my strength. But it is Manannan currently pushing me to those situations where before I would have been satisfied merely to stand my ground.
I have lost nothing by welcoming these other Gods to the places that have always been Theirs. I am stronger for it. I am better in myself, and I am better for the man I love and continue to share my life with. And I hope I am better for those around me. It has been challenging. And there are so many more challenges that I need to face and overcome. But I know that I can do it. See how far I have come already! And I have lost nothing that didn’t need losing. My Gods are great and I am worthy.