No, really, what can I do? I find myself in an interesting place. I’ve been called to make a community – Joshimus Rex and I both have felt the call. It’s an interesting calling for the two of us to have, with our very different faiths, particularly while I’m still trying to sort out where I belong with all my Gods. And then there is the fact that we are hoping to move in 2016. So where does that leave us right now? Do we start making a community here where we are, or try to join one of the communities around this area (the nearest I’ve found was about an hour drive away)? Or do I continue to wait – wait until we get settled, wait until I’ve figured myself out, wait wait wait?
Sir Joshimus and I have talked about it off and on – it’s a calling that’s strong in our lives – and most recently I told him “what’s the point of creating a place for ourselves within a community – possibly creating a community – only to leave it in two years?” He suggested that the place was there already and that it needed to be filled until the right people came along to take it over. Even if they weren’t here by the time we left, it will at least fill the void for the time we’re here. Of course, my mind goes to, what if we are in the way when those people arrive and we’re in the way and they cannot settle into the role they are meant to fulfill? Or, possibly worse and more likely, that we fit ourselves into a community, make friends to leave behind when we move.
My heart still hurts for the community I left behind in Hattiesburg. There are so many people who were so much an important part of my life that I never talk to anymore. People that I catch small glimpses of their lives and ache that I can’t be there and be a part of their world any longer. I wouldn’t trade the time I spent with them, however brief in the long run, for anything. It is precious to me. Which is why I hesitate to come into another community, only to lose it again in a couple of years. It’s likely why Joshimus Rex and I have only made two real friends since we moved here – and I can’t say that I regret knowing our girls, or their awesome kids. We lived in Chicago for two years and I only walked away from there with two people who still matter to me, one of which has only recently come back into my life (and if you’re reading this, I am tickled PINK that you’re back!). But even those two I don’t talk to as much as I’d like. My best friends from Hattiesburg (other than Joshimus Rex and Becca) and I lost contact almost immediately after we moved away and though there are other things involved, I know that my physical absence has a lot to do with it. I’m not good at phone conversations – I hate talking on the phone.
So what do I do? Do I step up, make those connections to people who I know will go into the depths of my soul – because that is where my service to community comes from – even knowing that leaving those connections behind will hurt? Or do I continue to isolate myself, protect myself? It’s cowardly, I know. And I hate being a coward. Maybe that’s why I’m asking you guys for your input. Maybe I need a kick in the ass to do what’s right. Or maybe I am doing what’s right. I don’t know anymore, and I’ve put myself in a place where I have no one to ask. The wisest person I’m still in contact with has been so strung out lately, so used up by others, I can’t bring myself to ask his advice. Not because it isn’t still valuable and much wanted advice, but because I can’t bring myself to be yet another person draining his tapped reserves.
So, instead, I’ll pray and seek guidance – and try to shove my own voice down enough to hear the advice They have to offer me in this. And I’d be happy for any advice from any of you lovely people, because heavens knows how long I could be spinning my wheels. I’m a loudmouth, y’all don’t emen know, so there’s no telling how long it will take for the voice in my head to shut up long enough to let me hear my Gods speak to me (I think that’s one of those lessons They keep trying to teach me).