I feel so scattered today. Part of that is the time of the month for me. I’m on an emotional roller coaster at the moment that varies between crying over a YouTube video about self-sufficiency to nearly manic wanting to learn how to can. Granted, it spawned an interesting conversation on both mine and my sister-in-law’s personal pages (no links, sorry guys), so it isn’t a total waste. But crying over solar panels is a little embarrassing, I can’t lie.
Now, I considered rambling on about the things that are of interest to me at the moment (okay, this is my honesty circle, I’m always
obsessed with interested in self-sufficiency in all it’s many forms). But there is something else going on around me that prods me to take a step back from the manic running of my mind and be a little more on point. I have a dear friend who I had lost touch with through life doing what it does, going on. He is one of the people in my life that I have regretted most losing touch with because he is the twin of my soul. Literally, from day one, our souls recognized one another and I’ve always been drawn to him. Now, lucky me, he’s gay, so there was never any worry that our relationship would endanger or disrespect my relationship with my husband. But our connection was one of great strength for me. But, through various moves – geographically and changes within lives – we grew distant as we dealt with our own lives. Recently he’d been on my mind and on my heart quite a bit. Nearly constantly, in fact. And then, the other day, I posted an image and within a minute, he’d liked it. I only need so many slaps in the back of the head to get my attention, and I sent him a message to let him know that he’d been on my mind. To be honest, I can’t tell you, before that time, when last he and I had spoken directly to one another. It’s been that long.
But come to find out, there is something going on in his life. I don’t know the details. I don’t need to know the details unless he decides he wants to share it with me/needs to vent it to me. I haven’t been there, a constant in his life, so I don’t expect to find out the details of what has happened/is happening. Because it doesn’t affect the support I offer. I’ve always taken the time to say a prayer for him, same as another friend that I lost touch with but still love dearly, and now I’m just doing it more often and more concertedly because I know there is something that he is dealing with right this moment. My only reasoning for reaching out was to offer comfort and let him know that he is loved and supported, whatever is going on.
Whatever it is, he is hurting. And it’s something that I can understand and empathize with. Because I am hurting. I do my best not to talk about how my period makes me feel every month. Because it is literally every month I feel this way. I try not to focus on the pain, anger, and loss I feel every month – both in my blog and in my daily life. And when I feel the need to cry, I try to fight it off. Mostly because I hate crying – though, honestly, I am trying to get better about it. But the reality of what I’m doing struck me when I responded to a post of his. You see, intellectually and spiritually, I know that crying is good for us. I know that crying is healing and I’ve even read where scientists have explained the function of crying.
There are times that we need to cry, as much as it sucks. So the next time it hits me that I need to cry (unless our poor, unsuspecting maintenance man is here to replace the drip pans on my stove), I’m going to let myself. Part of the reason I need to cry is because my hormones are seriously fluctuating at the moment. But part of it is grief – a small grief, not to worry – and grief is an experience every bit as much as an emotion. When you are experiencing grief, don’t fight it, work through it. And part of that is crying. Crying is okay.
Let me say that again.
Crying is okay.
It really is. So if you need to cry, let yourself. No, don’t linger overlong in your tears, but don’t cut yourself short either. Don’t let someone else determine the worthiness of your grief or your grieving. And don’t restrain yourself for someone else’s comfort or sensibilities. Because once you let yourself unload it, once you let it go – which could take minutes or could take months, days or years, whatever you need – then you can find your way back to joy. And something you might not have realized – you can find joy in the middle of your grief. The two are not mutually exclusive, so don’t believe that because you found a moment of joy that you are no longer allowed to experience your grief.
My friend is a wise man and one day he will be an elder to our community like the elders who have led us – one whose words will support and make those around him better. He is already doing that and I just hope that whatever trial he is going through brings him more – and better – than whatever he has lost. With much love to him, and all of you.