The last few weeks, a lot of what I’ve been sharing hasn’t been the best and brightest. And so far this week, I haven’t felt my best and brightest either. If you don’t know, Sir Joshimus Rex is working overnight this week. Why? Because part of his new job as department manager means he has to do the down and dirty work of doing mods – changing his department around for the new seasonal things, this time around for back to school. He won’t be doing it often, but at the moment our schedules are 10pm-7am. And I hate it. I’ve been grouchy about it all week.
But you know what? That doesn’t mean that it’s all bad. Yes, I’d much rather be up during the day waiting on Sir Joshimus to get home from work. And yes, I much prefer our schedules being set that way. But there is something soothing about the late hours of the night that can offer soothing. Maybe it’s because of the years I’ve dealt with my insomnia – awake late at night, usually alone while the rest of the world slept. But as I sit here at night, waiting for 7 am and my love to come home, there are moments where I just stop, and sit.
It’s a strange sense of calm that comes over me, almost trance like. It’s one of those moments where I feel my Gods whisper to me – sometimes messages that I hear in the moment, sometimes messages that slowly show themselves to me. Sometimes I wonder if my insomnia isn’t a giant slap in the back of the head to make me listen. -_- And I’m only slightly kidding. Because there comes a point where you have drowned yourself in sights and sounds and going and doing that is available only in our modern, technology laden world until there is nothing left but yourself and your lack of sleep. And sometimes, that’s what it takes before we quiet our minds enough to hear what needs to be heard. I’m as guilty as any other – I’m addicted to my chosen technologies.
No, I don’t watch tv like some people do. Oh, we have Netflix and some days/nights I’ll turn stuff on and let it play for noise. I’ve been guilty of turning on a kids’ show in an attempt to calm a child down. But watching tv just isn’t really my thing. I drive people crazy with it. My friend, Amanda, will tell you. She and I watch a couple of shows together, but she tends to watch when they first come out and then she’s waiting on me to finally catch up so that we can talk about it. And Joshimus Rex…oh the times we’ll start watching a show together and then I just won’t feel like watching it. Forever. Or he’ll want to watch a movie…and I’m really not a huge fan of watching movies because of how much of your attention it requires. And let’s face it, I have trouble giving anything that much of my attention without bouncing off the walls (probably why I love keeping kids so much!).
But I love the internet. I rarely run out of things to do on the internet. And there is constantly something new that I can look at or do when I begin to get bored and/or fidgety. Because I have a hard time sitting still, in the quiet. Which is probably why my Gods require those moments in the middle of the night to make me listen.
But I do finally stop and I do finally listen. I reach a point where, for a moment, my mind isn’t running 100 miles an hour and I can hear. And if you’ve ever felt the presence of your God(s)/ess(es), then you know the peace. If you’ve ever heard the voice of your Deity(ies), you know the joy. I’d rather us not have to have this week. I’d rather be curled in bed with my husband. But since I can’t be, then I’m happy for these quiet moments alone with my Gods and Their wisdom.
Remember, even when things look bad – even when you are having trouble finding something good – there is something good! I promise. And I’m sorry that most of what I’ve been talking about hasn’t been the best lately. Please know that these moments are small ones, and I will do better to put my joy out there for you to see. Because that is what is the heart of my life, what makes up most of my day. And I hope it is making up most of yours as well.