There is quite a bit that I would/have done for the love of my Gods. Not to earn Their love. I’ve never had to earn that and They’ve spent quite a bit of time pointing out the fact that I need to open my eyes and see that I am worthy – and I need to recognize that I am worthy – of love by simply being myself. This is a lesson that was hard for me to get through my head. My Momma always loved me without restriction – that woman has done so much to make me the person that I am. But my father was constantly making me feel like I had to earn his love. Which made me think of course my Momma’s going to love me no matter what, but it doesn’t make me worthy of love. I’m still working on it, but most days I do realize that I’m as worthy of love as everyone else.
There have been times in my life where I was dealing with a difficult situation that I didn’t have to deal with. I could have run away and my life would have continued on pleasantly and without consequence. And yet I stayed in some of those situations because I had a job to do in them. Not a job I was getting paid for, but one that my Gods had called me to. So I stood there and did my part with the fullness of my heart, even when the back of my mind was whispering that there’s always the option of walking away.
I know to some people it may seem that I’ve moved away from my Gods – and it is true that I don’t practice the way I once I did. I don’t necessarily spend the time with my Gods that others do. But there are those moments, when I am quiet in my mind, that I just take the time to talk to my Gods. Usually Someone is there and has something to say to me beyond a gentle nod of acknowledgement. But if you only understood the fact that my mind is so rarely quiet – that even when I am exhausted, physically and mentally, it is difficult for me to fall asleep because my mind just. can’t. stop. – you’d understand how I am at peace with the relationship I have with my Gods. For me to have that moment of quiet in my mind is a gift from my Gods. I believe it is Their way of letting me know that They require my attention, for whatever reason, and I am more than happy to turn my eyes to Them.
I got one of those nudges today.
I’ve explained previously that I have a different relationship with each of my Gods, relationships that are beyond just sacred to me. Danu is my Eternal Mother; An’Dagda, my Joyous Father; and, Brighid, my Inspirational Sister. There is Lir, with all His quiet mystery, His primordial patience who still hasn’t done much more than let me know His Son isn’t the only one who gets a piece of my devotion. Lir is like the grandfather you never really knew well, but exists as a shadowy figure from your childhood who taught you one or two things, but that you can’t help but love and remember fondly. I have a grandfather exactly like that – he taught me a love of history that is as vivacious today as it was when I was 5 years old – and I know that, behind it all, he wasn’t a good man. And I won’t lie, it makes me fear my so-far-silent God. But I know that when it is time for Him to speak to me, He will.
And then there is Manannan. Oh, Manannan. Danu and An’Dagda are my Patrons and always will be. It is always my Mother and Father I turn to first, always. But sometimes I get the feeling that Manannan would have me to Himself, if He could. Some will look at that statement and roll their eyes. I know, I’ve done the same with others before. Before Manannan made Himself known to me. When I first found myself called to Him, Brighid, and Lir – all in the course of a few weeks, which was overwhelming in and of itself – it was a brief encounter. I saw a charming, spirited God with deep secrets, but it was a brief brush.
Since that time, He has come more forcefully to me, and by that, I mean force of personality. He is magnetic and alluring, and He knows it. Today, our encounter drew me into researching godspouses. If you’ve never heard this term, think of nuns – they are the godspouses of Christ.
I still am looking in to it as a better way of understanding how others might interact with this more…virile side of a God I see so many people compare to a favored older uncle. I mean, I get it. My nephew looks at my husband and sees a man he adores and looks up to a little, but I see the man who I not only love deeply but still find to be ridiculously sexy. I understand that people can see Manannan as an uncle…but man, I’d like to see some perspectives from other people who He refuses to be the uncle/father to.
And I also am now curious of people who are in a similar position to mine – devoted to a God or Goddess that attracts them, but that they aren’t Godspoused to. People who follow Deities like Angus, Eros, or Aphrodite. Or – apparently – Odin and Loki. If you are one, or know one, please let me know!