It’s so hard to believe, but as of today, I’ve been blogging for four years! Okay, well, my blog is four years old. I really took about a year off from blogging all together. But still. I’ve been trying to figure out what I would do for my birthday post, especially since it’s also Monday and I had a Musical Monday post. Finally I figured I’d take a look back at the last four years – where I was then and where I am now. Yes, kind of like I did at New Years. Shuddup. ;-P
Four years ago today, I posted my very first post here on SCL. I was 24, had just quit smoking, was close to finishing my last pack of birth control, and was jumping out of my skin to get out of the city, since we were still in Chicago at that time. I was younger, obviously, and more idealistic than I am now. Not that I’ve lost that completely, but four years of trying – and failing – to conceive really bust it out of you. Looking back at those first posts on my blog, I wince. And then I look at how I ramble now and realize, I should still wince.
I was also still pretty green in my faith at that point. Even though I’d already been on my path for more than a decade at that point, I’d spent most of it editing myself to fit within the context of the greater community which was and is mostly attuned to a Wiccan way of thought. Even most of those who claim not to be Wiccan, but eclectic Pagan like I once claimed, worship and believe along Wiccan lines. And though most of it didn’t feel authentic to me, I still followed the motions because it was the only way to participate with the greater community. Or so I thought at the time. I’ve learned a lot since then, spent more time really getting to know myself and my authentic beliefs. I’ve also been called by three more Gods since then, so my world view has been forced to change from the one I made myself hold.
Also, as I look back over my posts from 2010, I’m reminded that Sir Joshimus and I had only been married for two years at that point. WOW. And together less than five. Now that we’ve celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary and we’re coming up on NINE years together, looking back it seems crazy. I was having issues back then, issues I didn’t share on my blog. My birth control was making me crazy every month around my period and small issues that he and I were having in our relationship were magnified to the extreme and ripping us apart. I talked about separation several times, but even as I talked about it, I knew I’d never survive it. Joshimus was so strong through that time – most people when their spouse looses their minds for no apparent reason would run the other direction; but he stood by me and loved me enough to refuse to give up on us. And he was willing to work on the problems that were very really, if much smaller than I was making them at the time.
That helped, knowing that I could never leave him because I would be as good as dead without the other part of my soul and knowing that he felt the same way. It’s much easier to get through the strife that is bound to come with life when you know your partner is your partner no matter what. Yes, we’ve had problems – some more serious than others. But every single time we’ve been able to work our way through them. I guess when you see your wife completely lose her mind and still not be able to walk away from you, it sticks with you. I know that your husband standing by your side, supporting and loving you, even after you have literally lost yourself completely is a powerful reminder that there is nothing in this life that can defeat us. Because at the end of the day, we each have chosen every single day that our love and our lives together are more important than any struggle we might face.
Looking back at my posts from 2010 are a little heartbreaking. I see how eager I was for what I assumed would be the easy turn of a page to a new chapter of our lives. I had so many dreams about how things would be, and each time I failed to get pregnant, it was a near shattering blow. In those dreams, I’d have a kid or two by now, maybe even be pregnant again. I wanted a houseful of kids – and in my heart of hearts, I still do. Instead, it’s still the two of us and I’ve adjusted my dreams. I still want children, but I don’t dream about a houseful any longer. If it happens? GREAT! If it doesn’t? That’s okay, too. We’ll make the life that’s given to us. But looking back to who I was four years ago, it breaks my heart all over again, knowing what I’ll go through over the next four years. But I wouldn’t warn myself against it. Because who knows what it would change? I love so much of what we’ve experienced, I love the adventures we have and have had. But I would really like the opportunity to hug myself four years ago, when every month, every period, was met with grief before I became more accepting. Not that there aren’t small griefs every month still, but there comes a point where you become too numb for grief. And I’ve passed the stage where that numbness left me empty. I’m to the point where that numbness allows me to embrace other things – like the joy of spending time with my husband.
Four years has completely changed my outlook on life. I wish that I had started a blog sooner, or had kept journals growing up. I’d love to be able to look back on who I was when I was even younger, to see the path that my life has taken. But more, I’m looking forward to the changes that will come in the next year. To look back at this post, the post from when I first started SCL, and compare it. It was a little hard to look back, but it was also beautifully nostalgic. So here’s to another year of my Spiral Charmed Life. And thank you to everyone who has joined in our journey along the way, even if it was just today. I hope that you can look back on your younger self softly, and look forward to your older self with excitement, even as you look at your current self with joy and acceptance. As always,