Here lately, I’ve felt like I was in flux. I spend a lot of my time focusing on “one day” – not just in a daydream sort of way, but because it’s my responsibility to plan for one day in our family of two. Though there is and likely always will be a small measure of daydreaming to that. Dreaming of our perfect home – ridiculous amounts of land, a small homestead, pets and livestock. And children. And I’m stuck on children again right now because of the birth of my newest niece – my baby brother’s first child. I can’t even begin to explain what it’s like knowing that precious little miracle has entered the world. Nor can I put into words how much I’m looking forward to the first time I get to hold her, touch her precious face. July!! Can’t come soon enough. And I’m really looking forward to the chance to get to know my newest nephew better, as well. He’s a sweetheart and I only got a few hours with him, but it was more than enough to make me fall for that grin of his that wasn’t overly forthcoming surrounded by so many strangers as he was at the wedding. Oh, yeah, and I’m looking forward to seeing my brother and sister-in-law – of course!! Ha, I’m glad they know I love them to bits.
For any of you who have followed my blog for a while, you know what a struggle it is for me between ridiculous elation at the birth of my niece and heart-wrenching pain. I wouldn’t trade any of my nieces or nephews for ANYTHING in this world. I’d gladly die for every single one of them. But this year marks the fourth year since we started trying to get pregnant. We aren’t currently actively trying to get pregnant. We have so much stuff we need to take care of and our only vehicle is our scooter (though not complaining since y’all KNOW how obsessed I am with it – more on that in a bit). But it doesn’t lessen this need in me for a child of my own. To see that perfect little face of a child that my husband and I create together. I promise, I have more good days than bad. But it’s still there, always at the edge of my mind. And that’s part of why I’m here, to be honest.
So, I’ve been in flux. And my blog has been in flux for even longer. What is it that I’m trying to do here? Who am I trying to reach? Honestly, I don’t know. My blog is part diary, part spiritual touch point, and probably part ego stroke. *shrugs* I have stuff to say and I’m happy to put it out there for anyone that wants to hear it. And what I talk about is as random and sporadic as I am, as my stream of consciousness always is. Maybe one day a single topic will poke me in the eye and grab my attention long enough for me to focus this blog again, or focus it on something new.
But the heart of what this blog has always been about has been my faith and to help me get through hard times in my life. When I started, I wanted to be a “Pagan blogger”, I wanted to reach out to people and open their eyes, maybe make them laugh. And then I realized that while there were some very firm beliefs I held, there were also several more that I held only because of the community I was part of. So then I spent time getting to really know my own beliefs – and I’m thankful for this blog where I’ve been able to organize my thoughts as my beliefs and practices have evolved and matured. One belief has solidified and made itself more clear to me every single day.
I don’t have to take the time for the sacred in my life, because life is sacred. I think most of us are familiar with the quote, “We are not human creatures having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual creatures having a human experience.” And it’s true. I think the problem is that so many of us spend so much time trying to create that ultimate spiritual experience – the one where your head goes light and your heart pounds in your chest. And we need those experiences, particularly if they are Deity-led, connecting experiences. We need those moments of complete and total connection with our Gods, those moments where there is nothing and no one but ourselves and Them. But life is more than those individual moments.
Much like building a life commitment with another person, you need those moments of intense connection where there is nothing and no one but ourselves and our partners, but there is so much more to life than that. And sometimes we lose our connections to one another and to our Gods in the day-to-day of life. We need something that takes us out of that rut and let’s us see the sky once again. (here’s that circle around I promised you) And I’ve been so ridiculously lucky that my best friend got me hooked on scooters. Because when I feel like I’m drowning beneath the worry of paying our bills and planning for the future, when I feel like my husband and I are moving to that point of being roommates and I feel like I haven’t connected to my Gods, Joshwa and I go for a ride. My last post was a video I cut from our ride a few days ago and it does so much better than the still photos I’ve been snapping at capturing the pure joy of riding. There’s nothing but us, the bike, and the world.
I experience the world so much more on the bike than I ever have any other mode of transportation except horseback – and it’s been far too long since I’ve been on the back of a horse. Joshwa and I have always found our connection to one another when the world overwhelmed us by taking a ride. Getting out on a road through the woods and taking in nature and feeling the wind in our hair. Okay, so we don’t feel the wind in our hair now, because of the helmets, but the feel of the wind in my face has always and – I believe – will always rejuvenate me. We can’t actually talk to one another (we still haven’t gotten in-helmet headsets yet), but we have so many ways of communicating. And when we head out-of-town, I feel as if my Gods are settling around me to enjoy the ride, too. Just like I feel myself connect to my husband, despite our inability to verbalize to one another, I feel myself connecting to Them again. If you haven’t watched my video yet, please do. It’s worth it to give you a small idea of the elevation of spirit that it gives me, and just about anyone (according to my Daddy) who has ever experienced the pure joy of riding.