I hate hurry up and wait

I swear, sometimes it feels like my life is a series of waiting.  It’s something that I’ve been struggling with the last few years.  It seems like we’ve spent most of the last few years waiting on something.  Waiting to get pregnant, waiting to get where we’re supposed to be, waiting for things to get better.  And even with my ridiculously positive outlook, things started getting hard to deal with, emotionally.  Because I’m nearly 30 (this Sunday, I’ll be 28!), and I’m tired of waiting!  I used to be better than this.  When Joshwa and I first got together, we always lived in the moment.  We had firm rules about things like behavior during the week (we didn’t party and stay up late, because we had work), and just how we’d party.  But other than that, we just lived.  Even when we were planning on going to Chicago, even as we counted down the days, it still felt like living in the moment.  And then we got to Chicago.

For a while, we lived in the moment in Chicago.  It was so exciting when we first got there, and we went and saw and did, even if we had no money to spend while we did it.  I LOVED living in Chicago when we first got there.  It wasn’t really until the end that the city started closing in around me.  When we first made the decision that it was time for us to leave Chicago, it was that Christmas when he broke his wrist.  We sat down and had a very calm conversation about the fact that the city wasn’t what either of us wanted and that we both missed things like stars in the sky.  Living in the city really brought home for both of us that we are small town people.  Now, my Joshwa has grown up all over, and I’ve never seen him not fit in somewhere, at least a little.  But he always looked so strange in the world I grew up in – rednecks and cowboys and southern gentlemen.  My husband can be a gentleman and he can be a romantic – he taught me how to be a romantic – but he’s not really a southern gentleman.  And I love it, even when he’s an ass and making me laugh when I don’t want to.  ^__^

Point being, I never thought of my hubby as a small town man, never thought that country living would be what he wanted from life.  But neither did I expect it from myself.  I guess I should have – I was raised in the country, running wild through the woods and climbing trees – but there was a point in my life when I thought I’d live in a city for the rest of my life.  I knew from a young age that my hometown wasn’t for me.  But when I moved out of my parents’ house, I lived in town and I loved it.  I loved the convenience. I even loved our apartment over on 4th Street.  But since Chicago, I long for the quiet of the country, where you can really hear Nature speak to you.  And even here, in our small town, we’re still too close.  Too many lights, too many neighbors, have added to my sense of urgency lately to get away.

Over the past year, I’ve waited for the money to get my Jimmy fixed.  Then I waited to get it sold.  I’ve waited for money to get caught up and finally get our heads above water.  And I’ve waited, as usual, for the time when we could move again.  Every year we’ve been here, I’ve planned on us moving the following year.  And every year, I have to admit that we’re pushing it back again.  Well, I’m sick of waiting!  So I’ve determined that I’m not going to wait any longer.  Oh, there may be a need to pass the time, but I won’t be waiting anymore.

I’ve made the conscious decision to live in the moment.  We’ve put off our move for the time being.  I’ve also decided to take a mental step back from trying to conceive.  Because I’ve been missing out on a lot of the just living part waiting on getting pregnant and starting our family.  Instead of making plans for a future that may or may not ever happen, we’re making more immediate plans for the life we have right now.  One of those is the scooter.

Now, technically, we’re still waiting, as we won’t be getting said scooter until the first of the year (unless a miracle drops $2000 in our lap before then, and even then we might still wait).  But instead of feeling like I’m in a holding pattern, I’m stepping into my life in the meantime.  There are still bills we have to sort out and few things that need handling, and I’m planning every step of the way.  I’ve created a budget for us that should keep us right on track up to and after we get the scooter.  Because once we get the scooter, we’re going to be riding. A lot.  But that’s for another day.  For now, I’m making charts and lists and playing silly Facebook games.  I feel more present than I have in a year or more.  I’m happy and relaxed in my spirit, even energized, strangely.  All because I decided I was tired of waiting.

And I want you to make sure you’re spending time in the present moment, too, dear reader.  Because while disregarding the future is foolhardy, living your entire life focusing on it will simple leave you with a life spent waiting.  And the future is going to get here eventually.  Why not do some living until it gets here?

BB, Lea

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