So, I know, dear readers, you’ve probably decided I’m never coming back. And for that I am sorry. But a realization occurred to me the other day. I started this blog because I was striving to live a better, healthier life. I was trying to be a better person – not better than anyone else, but better than I had been before. And I fell into a hole. I started smoking again. And I felt guilty. I HATE smoking. But I’m weak. Even as I would be sucking back nicotine and tar, I’d hate it. But I wouldn’t put it out. And in doing so, I lost my drive to write. Who am I to talk to you guys about anything, when I can’t even talk myself out of something I hate doing?
The hubs and I quit smoking on April 9, 2010. We both did it because we wanted to be quit before we got pregnant (started trying to conceive/stopped taking birth control end of May 2010), but only I was really ready to quit. I found out that my darling hubby has no desire to ever quit smoking. He’ll quit with me and because he knows I have VERY strong feelings about him smoking when we have children – I strongly feel that the fact that my parents used to smoke affected the way I looked at it as a kid, just like their refusal to smoke and my Daddy’s chewing habit influenced the fact that my brother thinks smoking is disgusting, but he dips.
So, we spent the last months smoking. A lot. Well, I mean, less than half a pack a day (together), but still, it was a lot. And I feel like crap. Not just guilty, I’m starting to get sick. And our bank account is sick, too – $10 every four or five days is killing us. And did I mention I’m getting sick? In freaking September? Ugh.
So, welcome back to day 1. That’s right, it’s quitting time again! We’re quitting again and this time it’s going to be harder. Not because I doubt our ability to quit, but because I now doubt our ability to stay that way – especially knowing that my husband is blasé at best. But my greatest doubt lies with myself. I hate smoking. I mean, I HATE it. I hate the smell of it, I hate the taste of it, I HATE IT. And yet. I just spent three months smoking every day. How can I hate it so badly, and yet not be able to say no? So I’m going to need the support as I make it through the withdrawal and keep on keeping on.
But now is definitely the time. Why? Because one of my girls from BabyCenter (we now have a Facebook group, which is how most of us stay in touch) is sending me a fertility Goddess. Twice used to help women conceive, and blessed twice again as many times over – including by her ADORABLE daughters. See, we’re doing an “exchange” (I got the better end of the bargain, if you ask me) where I’m trying to teach her Reiki over the internet and she’s sending me the Goddess statue. But she told me when she first proposed it that she’d thought about me from the moment she got the statue back. Yeah, I cried. I’ve cried a few times. I love the women who the Gods have brought into my life – just saying.
But she put the Goddess in the mail yesterday. And we finished our last pack (and last one we’d be able to buy for a week) yesterday. And my bestest friend (and temporary roommate) is moving into her apartment. So the hubs and I talked and agreed. Now’s the time to try again. Wish us luck, send us a prayer or two, and I pray all the best for you.