Have you ever been involved with something – a play or some other performance, writing a story or a series of blogs, a religious/spiritual retreat, study, sweat lodge, etc – that required you give all you have? Have you ever felt completely empty? Well, that’s what I’ve felt like for the last three weeks. Three weeks ago, I finished writing about my Gods as I knew them to be. When I hit “Publish” Saturdays ago, I felt empty. Now, I’m not talking about the bad kind of empty that a prolonged sickness will leave you. I mean the empty – the quiet of spirit – that comes only from a new level of spiritual understanding. And for three weeks, I’ve come back to Spiritual Saturdays and I have no idea what to talk about.
Now, the next Saturday I did manage to write-up a blog about the claim that faith is for those too weak to accept the truth about life – a claim I’ve seen so often that writing the post required very little of me. I was still empty, still floating in the peaceful void. And then last week I had an excuse – and a good one, if I say so myself. I was spending time with my best friend for a week and by the time she left on Saturday, I was as emotionally drained as I have been spiritually drained. I have been comfortable in this peaceful void. I’ve still been connected to my Gods, but I haven’t really done anything to move beyond it.
And then today my cellphone goes off, reminding me that it is Saturday and it’s time for Spiritual Saturday. And I realize that because I’ve allowed myself to stay in this void state, I have nothing to offer – nothing for you, dear reader, but almost as importantly, nothing for myself. I did not start on my path to find the void, I want to better myself and in doing so hope to offer something to you. I’ve been called to help people, and while I’m not physically in a place to help people, if something I say – some insight I’ve gleaned from my own struggles – can help, it makes me feel that I’m doing well by my community and my Gods.
I went looking for blog prompts today, looking for something to talk about, but nothing I found called to me. I’m struggling with this void – not because I feel trapped in this void, but because it’s so hard to want to leave it. I think I needed it for a little while. My new discovery of my Gods was both a wonderful and empowering thing, but it was also frightening and overwhelming. And there have been stressors in our life – fertility problems that have now been going on for two years now, our move once more being put off, our truck and its many problems, and now finding a way to help and be the support my best friend needs for me to be (not that this is difficult in and of itself, just another layer with everything else) – so having this soft void to sit in is too tempting.
So, if you find yourself in a spiritual void, enjoy it while you need it. But when the day comes that you realize that you’re just hanging on to it because it’s easier – it’s time to get yourself into gear. It’s time to shake it off and find an outlet. Today, I’m going to clean my house. I’m going to turn on my Pagan station on IHeartRadio. And I’m going to try harder to find something to talk about next week. On Monday, we’re driving to Hattiesburg to get Bubba and her stuff, and then we’ll be back – all of us together. And I’m going to strive to be the help for my community that I’ve been called to be.