So lately I’ve kind of been lazy – I do Musical Mondays and Spiritual Saturdays, but that’s mostly it. And I’m about to start something new tomorrow – a 29 day Photo-A-Day, but more on that tomorrow. And – oddly for someone who blogs about daily life (since I’m not one of those awesome “subject bloggers”) – I’ve been keeping to myself about one of the most difficult and emotional times in my life. You see, since September, I’ve been struggling. I lost a pregnancy that not many people in my life know about and some of the few people I talked to (online) told me that it wasn’t a real pregnancy, so I had no right to grieve. And my body is still having problems, but I’ve had to cancel several appointments because I have started bleeding again. Most of the problems come from the fact that I don’t have a doctor here, so everyone I’m talking to is looking at me as a new patient and probably one that doesn’t know anything about her body. Why is it that people assume everyone around them is an idiot? Okay, so we all experience too many people in our daily lives who actually are idiots, but still.
Of course, I could always run to the er – but the last time I did that, I experienced the most traumatic, heartless patient care I’ve ever received and I promised myself I’d walk into Birmingham (to one of the many hospitals there) before I’d go back to our local hospital. So I’ve been trying to deal with this…whatever it is…on my own. Now, you should all know by now, my Joshwa is awesome – he’s my rock. But he’s also a man, so there are just somethings he doesn’t understand, as hard as he tries. It’s not something he thinks about all the time, or even everyday. But it is something I think of every day.
And it has affected me and my outlook. I have always pushed myself to be positive about life – I have so many things that show me I am blessed and I am lucky, but that has become increasingly difficult lately. I still know that I am blessed – I recognize the blessings that are daily in my life. But it’s been difficult to embrace them and the positives. Maybe it’s depression, I don’t know because I don’t really feel depressed – I just don’t feel like myself. And it’s being egged on by this feeling of homesickness that I talked about last Tuesday and the fact that currently 6 of my friends on Facebook (out of 97 people, only one of whom is older than I am) are currently pregnant and 7 (plus two husbands, so 9) who have had a baby in the last year. For those keeping count, that’s 15 people out of 97 – nearly a sixth of the people I know and interact with on Facebook. So, understandably, it’s made me a little raw.
But I think it’s getting better. I’m actually excited about our plans on Friday – we’re taking another driving trip up Hwy 11, this time we’re gonna try to make it all the way to Knoxville – though if we don’t, that’ll be cool, too. We’re gonna take our time and visit tourist traps, because we’re both dorks like that. ^__^ We won’t always be able to do this over the next few months as we save up for our move, but it’s nice that we’ll be able to treat ourselves. Look out for pictures to come probably Saturday or Sunday.
So, that’s what’s been up. I’m going to try harder to actually talk to you guys. I’m trying to embrace that positive attitude that got me through so many rough times growing up and over the years – I know it’s still there. It has lasted me too long through too much, and I still have my husband, we still have our home, and things are going well. It’s just a matter of reminding myself that daily.