Today has been an awesome day.  Joshwa is at work right now, but we had all day together, so we decided to go on an adventure.  I recently found out that there is a Hindu Temple and Cultural Center in Pelham, two towns up from us and we thought it would be awesome to go find it and see if the cultural center part was open (the website didn’t have any information unfortunately).  Well, looking on the map, the easiest way to get there was through a series of small towns off the beaten path that we take on a fairly regular basis because it’s scenic – perfect!  The only problem?  We’ve never been this far north on this scenic way.  And we ended up way out of the way.  Not that this was a problem!  It just made the adventure (and thus, lunch) a little later than we had originally thought it would be.

Of course, we get to the cultural center finally to find it closed with no nifty sign stating the hours.  That’s okay, we’ll just try again.  So we head to Old Tyme Pottery just for the heck of it – I love the fun stuff they have there, especially the signs.  And then, lunch at Golden Rule Bbq – some of the best barbecue other than my favorite, Rose’s Qwik Stop in Hattiesburg.  After we ate, we hit the back roads again for the scenic route home and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’m homesick.  I told this to my wonderful husband and he asked what you might be thinking – for Hattiesburg (my hometown for those who have missed it)?  Nope.  I know why he asked that, since that was the last town that was home – we lived in Chicago for two years, but it wasn’t home and while we have a home here, it’s still not Home.  But it’s not Mississippi I’m missing, as I miss Hattiesburg even when we’re there – maybe especially when we’re there.  You see, Hattiesburg is a growing town that is changing all the time.  And I haven’t lived there in nearly four years.  It’s not the same town it was when we left – hell, it wasn’t the same town then as when I was in high school.  And that’s fine!  But I don’t miss the Hattiesburg that it is now because I don’t know that Hattiesburg.  I get nostalgic for the Hattiesburg I grew up in, but I don’t want to see it decline to that level – that would be a lot of businesses failing and a lot of families loosing everything.

So what could I possibly mean by homesick?  Well, quite simply, I want to go home – we just haven’t found it yet.  I started feeling this way just before we left Chicago, too.  You see, despite our recent nomadic tendencies, all I want is home; it’s just a matter of finding home.  You see, I knew as a child that Hattiesburg wasn’t my forever home.  Don’t believe me?  I told my Momma when I was 13 that I wasn’t going to stay in Hattiesburg forever, and at that time, I couldn’t imagine not seeing my Momma every day.  This yearning has lived in me for as long as I could remember – it’s like even as a young child I knew that I didn’t quite fit where I was, and not just because I didn’t quite fit with my family.  I would look out my window and what I saw just wasn’t right.  So what is?

Well, I don’t know exactly.  I know that I want it to snow, and I want mountains, and I want a small town.  And I know that I’ll recognize it when it’s right.  How?  I hate that question, but it’s a good one – my Momma asks me this.  I’ll know the same way that I know this place isn’t right.  I have to believe that one day we’ll find our home and this feeling of homesickness will pass.  I’m not made for the nomadic life, even though I’ve given a fair imitation of it over the last several years.  Let’s be real – I lived in the same house from the time that I was 3 years old until I moved out just before my 20th birthday.

The great thing is that not only does Joshwa understand, he feels much the same way.  Only for my darling hubby, finding home is even more important because he’s never really had a home.  He was born in England, grew up between New England, south Florida, and his grandparents’ house in Mississippi, and spent time in California; but none of those were home to him.  He deserves a home that is more than the building that houses our family; though we both believe whole-heartedly that where our family (Joshwa, me, and our children) is, home is.  Besides, we have a mission – several really – about being part of our community.  You don’t get spiritual missions like that put on your heart (as this was put on both of our hearts) and yet the great Divine we both worship and serve not bring you to that community.

So for now, I dream a little and embrace that ache of homesickness, because it signifies that there is a home out there for us.  I’ll plan and I’ll start packing/decluttering for our next move; and I’ll pray that this move is the last major move.


One thought on “Homesick

  1. Pingback: What’s been going on…. « Spiral Charmed Life

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