Having a day

First off, let me start by saying that we didn’t get pregnant last month.  We’ll be trying again next week, though, so we’re not letting it get us down.  Now, more importantly, on Wednesday afternoon, my grandmother lost her second battle with cancer and joined the love of her life, my grandfather.  She outlived him by a year and three months.  Much longer than we expected, especially after we found out she had lung cancer. Now, some of you may remember the problems I had after loosing my grandfather.  I had not seen him since our wedding – two years – and I never got to say goodbye.  Well, it  happened again.  I didn’t get to see my grandmother when I went home for Christmas, so I had not seen her since my grandfather’s funeral.  And once again, I didn’t get to say goodbye.  I’m having a very hard time with this, since I adored both of my grandparents and there was a time when I was in college that I would take trips up to see them every week when I got some free time.  After their move to Texas, I didn’t really get to see much of them anymore, and these last few years have made the current situation worse.  Now, dearest reader, know that I know they are together again – a huge thing since they are the couple who taught me that there was such a thing as true love in their every action over the last twenty-some-odd years.

And I know that one day we will be reunited and that even now, I can speak with them and reach out to them.  This Samhain I have every intention of celebrating the fact that they are once again together.  But just now, that does nothing to comfort me.  Just now, all I can think is, “do they forgive me for not being there to say goodbye?”  And I worry that my mother can’t forgive me.  I’ve always lived my own life and been very much my own person.  I joke that I’m the “rainbow sheep” of our family – since there’s nothing “black sheep” about me and the description appalls my mother and aunt.  But looking back, just now, part of me regrets that I couldn’t be a different person.  Not that I would have done things differently, because I’ve done things the only way that I am able to; but that I could have been a different person so that I could have done them differently.  I missed Mammaw and Pappaw’s 50th wedding anniversary because I was in Texas performing at the Cotton Bowl.  And I missed saying goodbye to my beloved Pappaw because I was in Chicago.  And now, I’ve missed saying goodbye to my Mammaw because I’m here in Alabama.  And I know that at least part of my Momma resents that I cannot be content living in Hattiesburg, though Hattiesburg will always be home and will always have a place in my heart.  I know this because at Christmas so many of her friends attempted to talk – or guilt – me into moving back home.

So, tomorrow morning, Joshwa will take me to Meridian to meet my Momma before returning home (he has to work tomorrow night) and I will go to Hattiesburg to watch them put another empty shell in the ground, unable to grieve and unable, truly to function fully.  Then, on Monday, she’ll take me back to Meridian to meet with my Joshwa that I may go home.  I’ve grieved how I can – grieving is difficult for me, because I’ve only recently relearned how to cry, and I know that if I don’t hold on as much as I can, I’ll lose it completely and I doubt my ability to bring myself back from that.  So, I’ll cry a little at a time.  I’ll grieve until I can’t, then I’ll make myself forget until I can grieve some more.

Surely this is the worst that could be happening to me now, right?  Well, not really.  Because now I’m also conflicted.  Our cousin (brother and sister-in-law to the cousin currently pregnant with twins) just announced today that she is pregnant.  They only just started trying to get pregnant, and it was a big secret (though the other cousin and I knew, since we were trying).  It’s beginning to get difficult for me to put a good face on things.  I’m beginning to get truly scared for my ability to conceive.  And I can’t really talk to anyone about it.  My mother keeps telling me, “well, it’s probably a good thing, considering your situation”, and the only other person I would have once talked to about it is – rightly – caught up in her own pregnancy.  So I have you, dearest readers, and I have my Baby Center community, especially the ladies on the Pagan Families board.  And, let us never forget, the ever wonderful Joshwa.

Well, I’ve got to go now.  We’ve got laundry to do and lunch to make before Joshwa goes to work.  I’m sorry that I still haven’t gotten those pictures for you, but I promise they’re forthcoming.  Keep us in your thoughts and prayers, and remember my family as well.  Brightest blessings to all of you, everyday.

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