So tired of no sleep…

I keep hoping that I’ll get a decent night’s sleep, and I keep not.  Last night, I fell asleep around midnight while the hubs was in the bathroom.  I got about 45 mins before he woke me up to go to bed.  Crawl in bed, close my eyes…and my brain starts racing.  I lay there, thinking, I can do this.  And then I hear the hubs start snoring.  And that is like my kryptonite. From there, there is no choice.  So, I grabbed the computer and web surf.  I tried to go to sleep again around 3 or 3:30.  After twitching and nearly waking the hubs twice, I grab the computer again.  7 rolls around and I think, surely it’s late enough for me to fall asleep.  Put the computer aside, snuggle in…and almost pee on myself before I can get to the bathroom.  I get out of the bathroom and I see it’s 7:45, so I said “screw it”.  I made coffee and plopped my butt on the couch.

So, other than that what’s going on with me?  Well, I’m having a spiritual crisis.  Not a crisis of faith, by any means, just a crisis of what I’m going to do.  For the last 11 years I have happily led a Pagan life and found the peace that was missing from the early years of my life.  But I have lived it without telling my family what I believe.  It hasn’t been too much of a problem – other than the fact that I’ve lied-through-admission to my family – but it’s going to be as soon as we have children.  Because I will raise our children with my beliefs as well as my hubs/family’s beliefs.  But how do I breach this conversation with my Momma?  I don’t want to break her heart and I’m afraid it would.  That’s what has stopped me every time I wanted to have this conversation with her over the years.  I’m so afraid of the conversation, but I need to talk to her.  NEED to.  And it’s growing in me that I need to.  So, I’ve got to work out how I’m going to do it and how I’m going to answer her questions, because I know she’ll have plenty of them.

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