So, I kinda got my hopes up this weekend. To the point where I was talking to the baby that I was praying was in my belly. I was two days late with just a spot of bleeding (what a few people on my forums at BabyCenter.com said might be implantation bleeding) and then nothing. Until yesterday. Yesterday the flood gates opened and it’s like my body is trying to make up for the two-day delay. No baby. When I finally had to come to terms with the fact that I definitely wasn’t pregnant, I cried. I knew better than to get my hopes up that high. It’s early in our trying and there were factors against us last month. But still, I did. I got a stomach flu and was sick for three or four days, which is unusual since I’ll usually get sick and be done with it in two days max. I was sleeping wonky. Well, wonkier. And I just had a feeling. And I just wanted to be pregnant. I’m trying not to let myself get to ahead of myself, since we don’t know how long a haul this might be trying to get pregnant. I don’t need to let the first months break my heart if this is going to take several months.
So, now I’m dealing with cramping – lovely – and got to spend a few hours in a hot laundry mat cramping and feeling nauseous until even the hubs was worried about me being there any longer. Got home, sat miserably on the couch for an hour or so, then we packed up boxes. This weekend (not just yesterday) we managed to get most of our clothes and jackets packed up and have started getting the blankets and stuffed put away. So we’ve currently got two boxes of electronics (mostly) packed up, one box of books (with another box to be packed today when we get a book back we loaned out), two boxes of general stuff with another to be packed tonight, my alter packed, our dvds packed into the dvd trunk, and only two or three more boxes to be bought and packed up. I will NOT let myself get overwhelmed like when we moved here (granted, that was also on my birthday and I had a stomach virus thanks to one of my friends who came to help us pack, lol).
I’m ready to be out of here. I realized something yesterday. It was the full moon on Monday (though it would still have been visible last night). By the next full moon we will be leaving. We’ve got a new moon coming up in two weeks, and then the next new moon will (I pray) see us settled into our new home in WNC. Still hoping some jobs pan out for the hubs before we move and I’ll start calling realtors about rental houses starting next week. And, of course, through it all, we’ll be trying again to conceive. Because in the end, that’s what all this is for, so we can expand our family and bring some beautiful babies into this world.
I’ll also be working on strengthening my spiritual connection again. By leaving here, I’ll be able to open myself back up to levels like when I was in Hattiesburg. I’ve already started taking steps by joining groups on BabyCenter.com that are of a Pagan flavor. Having people who understand what I’m saying helps and loosens something that’s been held tight inside me as I found myself surrounded by truly the opposite of the addictedly religious of the Bible belt – the devotedly apathetic. I swear that they are more draining than the uber-religious, because at least the uber-religious understand the need for the connection to the higher power. The devotedly apathetic aren’t the religion haters who have their own kind of faith and encourage debate by their simple presence; they are a monster all their own who look askance at anyone who talks/thinks about religious belief, even to countermand it.
Okay, so I’ve gotten wordy this morning. Had another sleepless night and I’m finally starting to feel the effects. Probably try staying up until the hubs gets up for work, though, since I made it this far anyway. Until later.